Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
