Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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