Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
