Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
