He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
