what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
