new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
