If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
