Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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