You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
