I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
