overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
