a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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