i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
