I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
