Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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