How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
