Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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