my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
