On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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