i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
