I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
