I've blown a few things in my day
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
