thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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