He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
