his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
