Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
