So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
