Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
