Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
