your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
