Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
