she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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