Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
