what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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