how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
