My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
