Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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