$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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