GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
