You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
