just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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