you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
