i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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