Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
