I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
