If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
