And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
