Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
