I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
