Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
