Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
